Well….shortly after my last post I ended up in the hospital. (I had been so proud of the fact that it was going on 4 years since being diagnosed and I had managed to stay out of the hospital due to complications as so many people do) BUT, the radiation and chemo finally did me in. I had started vomiting, not being able to hold anything down, and was having severe uncontrollable diarrhea. The doctor had started bringing me in for IV fluids, but that ended up not being enough. I had severe dehydration which caused confusion, delusions, and hallucinations. Plus I don’t remember anything 2 weeks prior leading up to the hospital stay. Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since I was admitted. Leading up to the admittance I had fallen and hit my head twice on the bathroom room floor which is a hard tile. The first time I had fallen off the toilet in the midst of having diarrhea and landed on the right side of my face which caused a nice black eye. My husband found me laying on the floor, unconscious, at 3:30 in the morning. He got me to come to, cleaned up me and my mess, and put me back in bed. (Bless his heart). The next day, I fell again while running to the bathroom to vomit after eating soup, I didn’t make it to the toilet and slipped on the vomit and fell backwards right on the back of my head. My husband was running behind me and tried to catch me but couldn’t. I ended up with two huge lumps on the back of my head BUT I was lucky to not have cracked my head open or anything.. (I have always been hard headed!) I still remember looking up at his face as I landed on my head and he was saying…”ohhhh noooo” It seemed so faint and far away and in slow motion. I remember feeling the large lumps on the back of my head and telling him that it was better that they were ‘out than in’. Once again He cleaned me and my mess up. The next day I started developing blisters on my left foot which would open up and literally drain puddles of pus. So, when I went in for fluids on Friday the doctor and nurses also saw that I was not myself so they advised Eric to take me into the hospital where they admitted me and did a CT on my head to make sure everything was OK. They never figured out what caused the blisters on my foot, and at one point, they thought I had a staph infection in my blood. They called in an infectious disease doctor who came and figured out that I did not have any infection, that everything was just caused from severe dehydration, so I was released on Monday. I started coming back into my head and was back to myself after tons of fluids on Saturday. My husband was soooo happy to have me back cause he said he was afraid he had lost me for good (My mentality). Of course I hardly remembered anything leading up to all of it cause my electrolytes were so low and out of whack. Apparently I had been really funny while I was ‘out of my head’ and either wanted to fight or party. My daughter took a funny video of me doing a tutorial on how to punch someone out! lol And they said I kept saying we were going to the beach and having a girls night and I kept asking where Kelly was (my friend who has always been my partner in crime). Eric said I kept cracking jokes in the ER and at one point started crying and pulling all my heart leads off cause I wanted to leave so that I could go home and use the toilet cause I didn’t want to use the portable potty chair cause it was ‘dirty’. He said once they found out why I was crying they let me use the regular bathroom then was fine. I was glad to hear that I had been ‘funny’ instead of mean or nasty! As a nurse, I had a lot of patients that when confused or delusional get really mean and nasty. I was really lucky that my husband got to be with me while in the hospital since they allow NO ONE to come see you due to all of this COVID stuff, but apparently it took a lot of haggling between my Oncologist and the hospital doctors and administration. I don’t think I would have done so well had he not been there. He stayed with me night and day.
With every passing day I am getting stronger since being released. I had chemo last Thursday so I am also recuperating from that. I am now to a point that I never thought I’d be and that is using a walker or wheelchair when we go out places and I have to walk long distances. 😦 BUT, I guess it’s better than falling. My lungs haven’t been the same either since I was hospitalized. Asthma kicked up while in the hospital and has been irritated since. All the tumors in my lungs only make matters worse. I’ve been on daily nebulizer treatments. I finally finished liver radiation on the following Wed after leaving the hospital. I get scans in two weeks and a brain MRI in a couple of months. I am soooooo PRAYING that all my scans are good so that I can finally catch a break from radiation.
Sept 8th will be my 4 year anniversary since being diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though I’ve gone through all I’ve gone through, I’d do conventional treatment all over again if it keeps me on this earth longer. I want to be here with my family and I don’t want to leave my husband. My quality of life might not be the greatest anymore, but I can still function on my own and I’m here. Still waiting for that miracle cure.
I have a Home Health nurse coming in twice a week to give me fluids and she is coming today. Kinda late, which means I’ll be up all night peeing. 😦
I didn’t think I was going to make it out of the hospital and it got me started thinking a lot about death and how much longer GOD is going to bless me with time. How will I eventually go? When? How will it feel as my soul and spirit leave my body? Will I be in the hospital alone? At home? Will my husband and family get to be around me? UGH. I hate thinking about it and I just have to change my thoughts and start praying. I know, I know, we all will eventually die. BUT it’s a little different when your mortality is actually staring you in the face.
But until then I decided to LIVE in the present. Because now, that’s all I have. In reality, That’s all we all really do have, The Present.
Until next time….