I finished whole brain radiation Monday, and I start liver radiation tomorrow. And throw in chemo on Thursday. Phew! I am literally sick and tired! Add to that depression. I am depressed. I’m told to hang on, keep fighting, your strong, brave, you can do this, your a fighter, survivor, etc… But I don’t feel like any of those things. My hair is starting to fall out, hubbie is going to shave it tomorrow. This will be the third time losing it. 😦 I had a much needed session with my therapist today and she reminded me that I get depressed and hopeless everytime I get radiation and chemo at the same time cause it makes me so sick. That It will get worse before it starts to get better and that it is only temporary. Again, she told me to look for things to watch or read that make me laugh and put a picture of Eliana where I can be reminded of what I need to fight to live for. There is a lot that I need to fight to live for, but right now, that little girl is the light of my life.
Sometimes, like right now, I have to look from the outside in and look to see as to why some people see me as strong, brave, and a fighter.
To be brave happens at day one of diagnosis. All of a sudden you are looking death in the face and know that you have to put on your imaginary armour because you know that you are about to start the fight of your life in the midst of HELL.
To be strong and keep fighting means that I get out of bed when I don’t want to. I force myself to eat and drink, even though I have no appetite, and now most of the time I vomit whatever I eat. And when I sleep most of my days for several days and don’t drink or urinate, I end up getting a bladder infection and I’m on my second one this month. I feel so weak and tired ALL THE TIME but I still try to get up and go do things. See my family, run errands with my hubbie, eat what I can, and just try to be awake. What I really want to do now is give up. Crawl in bed and just sleep till I’m gone. Which I know that if I were to do that I would be gone by 3 weeks if that long. But I don’t do that because of my family–my husband who looks me in the eyes and says please don’t leave him. He says if I give up I’ll be gone soon. Then there’s my mom who tells me the same thing. Then I have all my kids and their families that I have to continue to see them grow all of their little families. So that is where I get the strength to make myself keep on going.
This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and never did I think I would be dying of breast cancer. I just want my life back again. Where I could still do things and eat, drink and be merry!
And I consider myself a Survivor because I’m still alive. On Sept 8th it will be 4 years that I have been fighting this cancer. And everyday has been a fight!
I need prayers for comfort and peace, the will and strength to keep on going.
Going to bed now. G’nite and sweet dreams!