Shaving my head

Shaved my head today–for the 3rd time. This time not due to chemo but from whole brain radiation. It sucks, my husband kept asking me if I was sure….lol…I had to keep reassuring him that it was ok, I was ready. It had started falling out in handfuls and my scalp was starting to hurt, so it was time. He finally did it and I asked him to write how he felt in having to do that for me yet again, cause I could tell he was upset. I told him that this was part of the being Brave, Having Courage, and being at war with cancer….I was like a soldier coming in for a shave about to go deeper into battle. I’m STRONG, I can do this! I WILL DO THIS!!

I was dehydrated today when I went in for chemo, so they gave me a bag of fluids. And they know I’m in radiation and how sick that alone makes me so they asked if I wanted to skip this treatment. I’ve been in this situation many times and the fighter in me says lets just do it! Knowing how sick I’m going to be this weekend. So I’m due to go in for fluids on Monday. I’m just glad I have the husband that I do, and the family that I do, all who give me so much support and LOVE that it keeps me going.

I would’ve been long gone by now if it weren’t for them. So thank you again to ALL of my family near and far and all my friends….I love you all so much! Below is a short excerpt of how my husband feels about all this and having to shave my head.

Excerpt from my husband Eric:

My wife asked me to write how this has effected me and I said no. I do not want to have to put this out there. I then thought I have asked her to put her story out there and it has been uncomfortable for her to do this at times. So, here is some of my story.

First, when you hear that your wife has cancer your cut off at the knees. Your first responsibility as a man is to protect your wife/child first and foremost. How can you protect her from this? So, I have failed to protect her. Then you try to solve the problem. That is another thing we do as men. We solve problems using the skill set we have. I could not solve her cancer. I failed her here again. During chemotherapy you try to comfort her and make her feel better. Except nothing makes her feel better, nothing. So, I continue to fail her. This is what you will go through as a care giver to your wife. There is almost nothing you can do “to fix” this situation. The one thing you are suppose to do, you can’t. No matter how hard you try and work and read. You can’t fix it.

Today, I had to cut her hair off for the third time. She just finished 10 whole brain radiation treatments on Monday. Tuesday night during her shower it started to fall out. It is so painful to see her lose her hair again. All the effort she puts in to her hair and looking her best. I know it is hard for her to go through this again. This just sucks. Another thing I can not fix.

Then I realized that it is not my job to fix it. It is my job to love my wife. To make her feel loved through all the pain and fear. To reassure her that I am here and not going anywhere no matter where this path takes us. That God placed us together for a purpose and that is to love each other. In the good and the bad. No matter how bad the bad gets, you hold on to the promises you made. The promises to your wife and to God. We have been incredibly blessed with the life we have been given. Even with the cancer. She is the love of my life and no matter the life that we are given we are going to do it together until the end.

So, all of you spouses out there don’t lose faith. Understand your role and fulfill that role to the max. Hold on to the love you have. Keep your faith that God is in control in all circumstances. Love, love, love them and never take a single day for granted. — Eric

See why I’m so blessed to have the husband that I have….LOVE and SUPPORT…keep me going….

I love you more than you know my sweet man. (:>

Goodnight all. thanks for reading.

L.

Keep Going

I finished whole brain radiation Monday, and I start liver radiation tomorrow. And throw in chemo on Thursday. Phew! I am literally sick and tired! Add to that depression. I am depressed. I’m told to hang on, keep fighting, your strong, brave, you can do this, your a fighter, survivor, etc… But I don’t feel like any of those things. My hair is starting to fall out, hubbie is going to shave it tomorrow. This will be the third time losing it. 😦 I had a much needed session with my therapist today and she reminded me that I get depressed and hopeless everytime I get radiation and chemo at the same time cause it makes me so sick. That It will get worse before it starts to get better and that it is only temporary. Again, she told me to look for things to watch or read that make me laugh and put a picture of Eliana where I can be reminded of what I need to fight to live for. There is a lot that I need to fight to live for, but right now, that little girl is the light of my life.

Sometimes, like right now, I have to look from the outside in and look to see as to why some people see me as strong, brave, and a fighter.

To be brave happens at day one of diagnosis. All of a sudden you are looking death in the face and know that you have to put on your imaginary armour because you know that you are about to start the fight of your life in the midst of HELL.

To be strong and keep fighting means that I get out of bed when I don’t want to. I force myself to eat and drink, even though I have no appetite, and now most of the time I vomit whatever I eat. And when I sleep most of my days for several days and don’t drink or urinate, I end up getting a bladder infection and I’m on my second one this month. I feel so weak and tired ALL THE TIME but I still try to get up and go do things. See my family, run errands with my hubbie, eat what I can, and just try to be awake. What I really want to do now is give up. Crawl in bed and just sleep till I’m gone. Which I know that if I were to do that I would be gone by 3 weeks if that long. But I don’t do that because of my family–my husband who looks me in the eyes and says please don’t leave him. He says if I give up I’ll be gone soon. Then there’s my mom who tells me the same thing. Then I have all my kids and their families that I have to continue to see them grow all of their little families. So that is where I get the strength to make myself keep on going.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and never did I think I would be dying of breast cancer. I just want my life back again. Where I could still do things and eat, drink and be merry!

And I consider myself a Survivor because I’m still alive. On Sept 8th it will be 4 years that I have been fighting this cancer. And everyday has been a fight!

I need prayers for comfort and peace, the will and strength to keep on going.

Going to bed now. G’nite and sweet dreams!

L.