Delusions and confusion have started yesterday. Never experienced either one before, but they are scary! Yesterday after getting home from radiation, my daughter and I were sitting on my bed eating and watching TV. Apparently I fell asleep eating a bowl of water melon and my husband came home and my daughter left, my husband took the bowl away from me and covered me up and just let me sleep. Well….I woke up, it was dark and he was in our bathroom getting ready for bed. Thing is, when I woke up, I didn’t know who I was, where I was, or who was in that room next to me moving around! I was in a HOT panick! I didn’t know which house I was in, or which husband I was married to. I swear I heard my baby (Katy) crying and the other two girls, Chelsie and Jenny were running and playing there was a thunderstorm outside,(which there wasn’t)! I layed there for a bit trying to catch my bearings. Then Eric came out of the bathroom and he said I looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights! He said I kept asking about which house we were in, and where was the baby.

He saw the terrified look on my face so he came and sat next to me, held me, rubbed my head and started reorienting me to everything. I was afraid for either of us to go to sleep, I didn’t want to leave each other. Then this morning when I woke up and he came to kiss me good morning, again he said I was startled and didn’t know who he was. It slowly came back to me. But then after he’d got dressed and was actually leaving for work he said I had the covers pulled up to my chin and kept looking at him like he was a stranger, but I slowly came to and gave him a hug, Dang! This is some scary shit I’m going through! When I got up this morning, it took me a bit, but I got it together. But my head and eyes felt so darn heavy! I could hardly keep them open!

Talked to the doctor about it today and he said that sometimes this will happen as the radiation accumulates in the brain from so many treatments, he said they are going to just watch it for now and if needed he’ll put me on a steroid that fights the inflammation around the area that stores your memories. He also gave me a med to start today that will help with my cognitive abilities. So hopefully I’ll see some improvement in that area. All I know, is that right now I don’t feel my self and my head constantly feels like a big bowling bowl, so heavy on my head!

I have 2 more brain radiations to do and hope it doesn’t keep getting worse, and I sure hope it gets better! Then we are going straight into liver radiation, 5 treatments of those. Mannn I’m about radiated out! But the alternative is not something I would like to try either. So guess I’m stuck.

Well, it’s about time to go to sleep — I have been having weird dreams but not scary. It’s just the waking up and the disorientation and confusion that now comes with it that sucks. I guess this journey has a lot of nice twists and turns that I have to experience. Go ahead and keep bringing this cancer on you Devil…God is on my side and he is keeping me strong through this fight and either way, I WIN!!

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!


One thought on “Delusions…

  1. my poor sweet girl… with all this radiation you may start glowing in the dark. Stay strong & know that Our Lord is in your corner.


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