Delusions and confusion have started yesterday. Never experienced either one before, but they are scary! Yesterday after getting home from radiation, my daughter and I were sitting on my bed eating and watching TV. Apparently I fell asleep eating a bowl of water melon and my husband came home and my daughter left, my husband took the bowl away from me and covered me up and just let me sleep. Well….I woke up, it was dark and he was in our bathroom getting ready for bed. Thing is, when I woke up, I didn’t know who I was, where I was, or who was in that room next to me moving around! I was in a HOT panick! I didn’t know which house I was in, or which husband I was married to. I swear I heard my baby (Katy) crying and the other two girls, Chelsie and Jenny were running and playing there was a thunderstorm outside,(which there wasn’t)! I layed there for a bit trying to catch my bearings. Then Eric came out of the bathroom and he said I looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights! He said I kept asking about which house we were in, and where was the baby.

He saw the terrified look on my face so he came and sat next to me, held me, rubbed my head and started reorienting me to everything. I was afraid for either of us to go to sleep, I didn’t want to leave each other. Then this morning when I woke up and he came to kiss me good morning, again he said I was startled and didn’t know who he was. It slowly came back to me. But then after he’d got dressed and was actually leaving for work he said I had the covers pulled up to my chin and kept looking at him like he was a stranger, but I slowly came to and gave him a hug, Dang! This is some scary shit I’m going through! When I got up this morning, it took me a bit, but I got it together. But my head and eyes felt so darn heavy! I could hardly keep them open!

Talked to the doctor about it today and he said that sometimes this will happen as the radiation accumulates in the brain from so many treatments, he said they are going to just watch it for now and if needed he’ll put me on a steroid that fights the inflammation around the area that stores your memories. He also gave me a med to start today that will help with my cognitive abilities. So hopefully I’ll see some improvement in that area. All I know, is that right now I don’t feel my self and my head constantly feels like a big bowling bowl, so heavy on my head!

I have 2 more brain radiations to do and hope it doesn’t keep getting worse, and I sure hope it gets better! Then we are going straight into liver radiation, 5 treatments of those. Mannn I’m about radiated out! But the alternative is not something I would like to try either. So guess I’m stuck.

Well, it’s about time to go to sleep — I have been having weird dreams but not scary. It’s just the waking up and the disorientation and confusion that now comes with it that sucks. I guess this journey has a lot of nice twists and turns that I have to experience. Go ahead and keep bringing this cancer on you Devil…God is on my side and he is keeping me strong through this fight and either way, I WIN!!

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!


Going strong with brain radiation

Today was my 6th treatment, four to go, then I go straight into liver radiation which will be 5 treatments every other day. Then I’ll be done until the next scans. I’m still hanging in there with all these symptoms, I got a new one…sores in my mouth. The inside of my mouth is raw and doesn’t so much hurt when I eat, but when I brush my teeth. I get confused and disoriented a lot, but that’s expected I guess. I feel like I’m slowly losing my brain function, thus the writing of another blog….trying to keep this old brain working! I’m glad I went to the beach especially with my family, precious memories made. Between Eric and I we have 7 kids and all but 2 have families, but everyone is scattered around the whole US so it would be hard to get us altogether..but that would be TOTALLY AWESOME if we could ALL get together for a family vacation! I would LOVE to see everyone again before I die and love on and hug all those sweet grand-babies!!! I guess I just feel it’s getting closer because of the tumors in the brain and how fast they are spreading. Once I lose my brain function my body will be no good. I’m afraid I may not know what a beach is pretty soon, or have the ability to drive myself anywhere. I’ve given instructions to my husband to close out this blog and my social media. And I’m glad my daughters are helping out with rides cause we get to spend time together and have some good and important chats. I don’t know how much longer I’ll recognize them or be able to have these talks. So girls…or family members/friends…better tell me what you got to say to me now or forever hold your peace. Because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be maintaining brain function!

Yeah losing my brain functions suck. I’m slowly losing vocabulary, English, cognitive, and comprehension, typing, math skills, balance, memory, etc…. I can still do things that are habitual though. Like getting ready for bed, getting up, making coffee, take all my meds, I have them in a weekly pill holder so I can remember if I took them or not. One thing that sucks is that I’m not trusted to watch my grandbaby Eliana all by myself anymore. Someone has to be here with me. 😦

And I finally gave up my nursing career in May and decided to go on full disability. I cried when I had to send all my equipment back. It was a chapter in my life that I was closing the door to. I’m STILL gonna keep my Texas license active, but the other ones I’m letting expire. I’m still praying for a cancer curing miracle to come around and save me. Since I have so much fatigue, I guess I have all the time needed if my body says it needs sleep.

I pray I keep most of my brain to see my youngest graduate, which is another year and a half. I know there are many milestones I would like to be here and see…but that one is for sure!

Well this writing has helped. Thanks for reading. I’m getting tired so guess I’ll go to sleep. Goodnight everyone. Sweet dreams! 🙂


Been awhile….

Wow! Been almost 4 months since I’ve last blogged. With all that’s going on in the world it’s been hard to write about myself and what I’m going through compared to what those around me in this world are going though. The last time I wrote I was doing brain and liver radiation. Well here I go again! I just finished 4 treatments of whole brain radiation and have 6 treatments to go. Then 5 treatments to my liver for a new spot they found— last scans showed 11 more brain tumors and another spot on my liver. Lungs and bones remain stable.

This time they decided to do whole brain radiation versus the targeted one because the tumors are growing and spreading too fast in between scans. They are going to try to get a jump on things before they get worse. The whole brain radiation will kill active tumors plus any new ones that are starting. But it doesn’t come without side effects. I’ll lose my hair again and of course the fatigue. Also, they are going to try radiating around the area that holds my memories so that I don’t lose all my memories. My short term memory has already been affected from previous brain radiation and chemo.

My symptoms so far have been nausea/vomiting–(BAD), mild headaches on the left side of my head, I lose my balance, I have confusion, and if I bend over to get something I get dizzy and just about pass out when I get up. And I don’t want to speak too soon, but no hair loss as of yet, They say it usually starts towards the end of treatment, so we will see.. It’s affected my memory more, I have trouble doing simple math, and I’m losing my cognitive skills. My husband and I practice counting money and change. He ordered me some flash cards on different things to help me. And of course it’s affected my typing ability, my speech, thinking of the right words to say, etc..

I’m not driving right now, cause I don’t feel safe, but the doctor said that I’ll be able to drive again.

The fatigue as usual is BAD! I usually come home after treatment and go to sleep, I sleep about 4-5 hours, get up eat or drink an Ensure, shower, and go back to bed.

This last week was good because my husband was home with me to take care of me and keep me company. He was furloughed for a week, so even though it was good for me, it was bad for our finances. I think we’ll be ok though, pretty tight, but ok.

The girls, my mom, and my sister are taking turns on taking me to radiation in these up coming weeks. I thank GOD for the blessing of a supportive family.

I still try to stay home quarantined. Don’t want to catch Covid or anything else.

So, that’s my update. I’ll get scans again at the beginning of August!

Everyone take care and wear your mask!

L. 🙂