Good news and bad news

Got the results of the brain MRI today. There was good news and bad news. A note to Chelsie, Jenny, and Katy…Please don’t freak out when you read this. Everything is going to be ok. Chelsie…please don’t dwell on this and please don’t let it ruin your trip. I want you to enjoy and have the best time ever. I will be ok and I’ll still be here when you get back. I promise.

The good news is… the radiation has killed the 4 brain tumors that I had. The biggest one being 6mm is still dying by the radiation. The doctor said the results were better than he expected.

The bad news is… there are 6 new spots in my brain. Once again, they were caught really early–the biggest one is only 3mm. VERY TINY. They are going to do the targeted radiation again to kill those 6 tumors. And the doctor is expecting good results with the treatment. Bad thing is that I have to go in for mapping and the making of a new mask. :/ I dread having to wear the mask again.

This news was really hard for me to process. The doctor told me the good news first…then he dropped the bomb..after I heard that, everything thereafter was a blur. Eric was with me though for support. He always goes to the results appointments with me. Which I’m glad, cause I cried all the way home. I just wanted to SCREAM! I was so angry. I just couldn’t believe the news. I’ve been thinking so positive in hopes of bringing the positive to me….but it didn’t work. Eric says I should go in expecting to hear the worst so I’m not so let down when I get bad news, and good news will be really good news.

Whenever I get bad news I don’t want to talk to anyone. I revert into myself and I just want to be left alone to be able to process the news. That’s why my beautiful girls, I don’t call and tell each one of you right away…cause I need time to process. After you read this if you need to, or want to talk, that’s ok. I can talk now.

How am I feeling?? Well…I still can’t believe I have 6 new tumors in my brain. But I am starting to accept the fact that I do, and treatment is inevitable. I wish there was a chemo that crossed the blood-brain barrier so that chemo would not only kill new tumors, but prevent them as well. But unfortunately there’s not. So I just have to keep on doing radiation as they come. I’m also sad. I feel like this cancer is slowly sucking the life out of me. I’m constantly fatigued from the chemo and radiation along with the chemo only makes it worse. So mostly my life now consists of sleep. I’m glad I’m on anti-depressants and I talk to a therapist weekly, plus I have my faith and belief in God, all of which help get me through this Hell. And most of all…the love and support of family….my reason to keep on fighting.

I wish I had more positive things to say here..but there is nothing really positive about cancer and it’s journey.

Until next time…