Good news and bad news

Got the results of the brain MRI today. There was good news and bad news. A note to Chelsie, Jenny, and Katy…Please don’t freak out when you read this. Everything is going to be ok. Chelsie…please don’t dwell on this and please don’t let it ruin your trip. I want you to enjoy and have the best time ever. I will be ok and I’ll still be here when you get back. I promise.

The good news is… the radiation has killed the 4 brain tumors that I had. The biggest one being 6mm is still dying by the radiation. The doctor said the results were better than he expected.

The bad news is… there are 6 new spots in my brain. Once again, they were caught really early–the biggest one is only 3mm. VERY TINY. They are going to do the targeted radiation again to kill those 6 tumors. And the doctor is expecting good results with the treatment. Bad thing is that I have to go in for mapping and the making of a new mask. :/ I dread having to wear the mask again.

This news was really hard for me to process. The doctor told me the good news first…then he dropped the bomb..after I heard that, everything thereafter was a blur. Eric was with me though for support. He always goes to the results appointments with me. Which I’m glad, cause I cried all the way home. I just wanted to SCREAM! I was so angry. I just couldn’t believe the news. I’ve been thinking so positive in hopes of bringing the positive to me….but it didn’t work. Eric says I should go in expecting to hear the worst so I’m not so let down when I get bad news, and good news will be really good news.

Whenever I get bad news I don’t want to talk to anyone. I revert into myself and I just want to be left alone to be able to process the news. That’s why my beautiful girls, I don’t call and tell each one of you right away…cause I need time to process. After you read this if you need to, or want to talk, that’s ok. I can talk now.

How am I feeling?? Well…I still can’t believe I have 6 new tumors in my brain. But I am starting to accept the fact that I do, and treatment is inevitable. I wish there was a chemo that crossed the blood-brain barrier so that chemo would not only kill new tumors, but prevent them as well. But unfortunately there’s not. So I just have to keep on doing radiation as they come. I’m also sad. I feel like this cancer is slowly sucking the life out of me. I’m constantly fatigued from the chemo and radiation along with the chemo only makes it worse. So mostly my life now consists of sleep. I’m glad I’m on anti-depressants and I talk to a therapist weekly, plus I have my faith and belief in God, all of which help get me through this Hell. And most of all…the love and support of family….my reason to keep on fighting.

I wish I had more positive things to say here..but there is nothing really positive about cancer and it’s journey.

Until next time…

Catching Up

Hello! I know it’s been over a month since I’ve written, and people are asking why I haven’t been blogging…there is no particular reason other than I just haven’t felt much like writing. A lot has happened during the last month though…I’ve had chemo flu over the last two cycles, (I’m having it now), I got sick for a week with a really bad cold, which flared up my asthma really bad, then I fell down the front steps taking my puppy out, twisted both ankles and caught myself with my hands, which in turn hurt both of my wrists. But everything got better within a few days except for my right ankle. Went to the ER and turns out I sprained it pretty bad, tore some tendons, but luckily didn’t break anything. So I have been on crutches over the last month. My ankle is slowly starting to get better, but I still can’t put full pressure on my foot especially the heel area. So I have been pretty much home bound with my ankle elevated for the last month. I couldn’t drive anywhere because it was my right ankle. I just started driving this past Monday, I had a doctor appointment in Austin.

Also I did go back to the eye doctor and got re-examined, got a new set of glasses, they worked for awhile, and once again, they stopped working for me. I called my brain radiation doctor and asked if my vision changes could be from the radiation or the tumors, cause these vision changes didn’t start until after the radiation, so he said he can tell me more after the MRI, which I did yesterday, and I see the doctor for the results tomorrow. I sure hope everything is OK with my brain. But this vision fluctuation needs to stop, cause I can’t keep going to eye doctor and getting new glasses. I sure hope we can figure out what is causing this.

My eldest daughter Chelsie is on her way to India right now to attend a yoga retreat for a month. I’m nervous and excited for her all at the same time since she is traveling solo. But that girl LOVES to travel and has no fear. I can’t wait to hear all the stories when she gets back. We had a family dinner this past weekend so everyone could see her before she left, and we will have another one when she gets back. She may not be able to text or call us once she is there, but she may be able to email. We will see. The place she is going to is in northern India at the bottom of the Himalayas. Should be a beautiful place.

Well that’s all for now…I’ll get on here real quick tomorrow to give the results of the brain MRI. 🙂