Good days and bad days

I had a lot of good days during the Christmas holidays. I didn’t have chemo until after Christmas and I started radiation after Christmas too. Now I’ve been having bad days with a lot of major fatigue and weakness from the radiation and chemo together. Thus leading to no appetite and no eating which makes the weakness even worse. When I say major fatigue I mean I can barely keep my eyes open. I sleep all day. Today, Wed, and Thursday I have to go into Austin, which is like an hour away, with fatigue. I had such a hard time today. I did not want to get out of bed. I could barely walk and my arms were so weak even the steering wheel felt heavy to drive with. Not even coffee helped. But I made it. I had to really focus though because my brain felt really heavy.

It’s days like today that get me down and get me to wondering just how much longer my body will be able to take this. I just want to cry cause I feel so bad. Every year on Dec 31st I thank the good Lord that I made it another year –without complications, and I got to be here to spend the holidays with my family. And every Jan 1st I always wonder if this will be my last year…the year that I die. Living with metastatic breast cancer is no fun. The treatment is harsh and slowly kills your body and it’s ability to function. My body has been surprisingly strong and has taken the treatment like a champ! So I hope and pray that it keeps going that way. I know that my mentality gets down when my body shuts down, and when I feel better I get more positive mentally. But I just can’t help but wonder just how much longer I can take this on those down days. On those down days I feel like throwing in the towel and giving up. The ONLY reason I’m fighting and not giving up is because of my family, friends, and loved ones. Cause fighting Cancer is hard and the treatments with their side effects are horrible, and expensive!!!

The radiation has not been as bad as I thought it was going to be, the contraptions they put on me are tolerable. The hardest part is laying there for 30 minutes trying not to breath. Your breathing has to be shallow and slow. I just try to fall asleep, which I did today.

And I’m falling asleep now as I write this so I am going to call it a night. Goodnight! 🙂