Coming out of the fog

I’m finally feeling better today and coming out of the fog. The ‘chemo flu’ (that’s what me and my husband call it cause it feels like the flu) hit me on Sunday night and knocked me off my butt on Monday and Tuesday. I was lethargic and could do nothing but sleep. My family tries to get me to eat, which I do very little of on those days cause I am in so much pain that my body shakes and all I want to do is take pain meds and sleep. Those are days that I wish I had a caretaker to feed me and help me cause it takes everything I have to just get out of bed to go to bathroom, brush my teeth or get some water, much less feed myself. My family has offered to come help me, but I say no cause not only do I not want to be a bother, but then I feel like I can’t sleep, and that is all that I want to do. My dear cousin Michelle was here from Virginia over the weekend. I felt bad for her cause I wanted to do a lot of things with her but I had no energy to do so. She came on Saturday and we had a good day–we went to see my new granddughter, got mani\pedis, then went to dinner and had wine and listened to a live band and just chit chatted, on Sunday we went to a park called Zilker Park where we used to go when we were little and went swimming in Barton Springs and just reminisced. It was fun. On the way home from dinner that night I could feel the ‘chemo flu’ coming on… and sure enough on Monday I couldn’t get out of bed and it was her last day here. She spent the day cleaning and reorganizing my pantry and fridge while I slept then made a lasagna for dinner. I got up and went and laid in her bed and she laid with me and watched me sleep. I love her for that. Had I not been sick I would have had a get together at my house with the whole family to come and see her and I would have cooked for her. But not this time. And she didn’t expect anything. She came to see all the family in May while I was in Vegas that is why she said she came this time just to see me and spend time with me. She knows I’m terminal and wanted to spend time with me while she still could. I appreciate that. All in all we still managed to have a good time just being together.

Between the meds and therapy I’m starting to feel better as far as the anxiety that I was having. But one thing I have noticed that I miss and don’t know how to get back is laughing. I don’t laugh anymore, not like I used to. And I miss it. I watch funny stuff on TV, my husband tries to get me to laugh but it just isn’t there. I might chuckle, but that’s about it. I need to laugh. I could fake it, but that wouldn’t be the same. lol I guess I’ll bring that up more in therapy.

This chemo has been harder than I thought it was going to be and it is making me sicker for longer than I thought it was going to. I didn’t think it would debilitate me as much as it has. It kind of makes me feel sad in a way that my quality of life is waning, but I feel like I have no right to complain because it is keeping me alive and still here. It’s a hard life to be living. Not that I’m giving up, it’s just hard. I have a new pain in my stomach that I believe is from the chemo. I think the chemo is tearing up my gut. I’ve been putting peppermint oil on it which helps temporarily, but then the pain comes back. I’ll tell my Oncologist when I go in next week. It will be chemo round #6 on Tuesday. Every three weeks comes so fast.

Correction to my last post…my daughter brought to my attention that I left the H off of Hakuna Matata. So Hakuna Matata to all ~no worries. 🙂