People have been asking why I haven’t written in my blog, it’s because I’ve been having some really hard days, both mentally and physically. I’ve been suffering with a lot of fear, anxiety, and pain. I know in my last blog I said the pain was going away but last week it came back for a few days with a vengeance and I got scared that the cancer was spreading again. Every time I have gotten pain like that in the past, I have gotten a new spot. But this pain was in the same spots where I already have tumors. I had scans done on Monday and got the results yesterday and found out that all is stable and well and the tumors are actually responding to the new chemo and they are slowly shrinking. So that was good news and a relief. The doctor said the pain in my back is from the damage that the tumors have already done and something I will have to just live with from now on. At least it was nothing new. There was a new little spot on my liver that is 4mm….really small, too small to biopsy. But the doctor does not think it is cancer. He thinks it is a part of a liver hemangioma (a benign lump of blood vessels) that I have had and was possibly born with. They saw this on the first scan and did not think it was cancer. But now that a new spot next to it has developed he is going to get an MRI just to make sure it is not cancer, which he is pretty sure that it isn’t. I’ll get re-scanned with an MRI of the liver in 2 months instead of 3-4 months. Just to rule it out and be sure.
So last week was a very bad week for me. I was put on anti-anxiety medication and the med also treats depression which I probably have a little of. I started having a lot of fear and anxiety when I was diagnosed with cancer and it has only gotten worse. My therapist helped me realize it is more anxiety than fear that I’m dealing with. So I got put on meds to help. I think they are starting to work. My thoughts of the ‘what if’s’ are starting to lessen. But I was getting to where I was to afraid to go anywhere or do anything and I didn’t want any of my loved ones out and about either. UGH…what an awful way to live. Along with the severe back pain that I was having came the brutal realization that I actually have Cancer. It never has really hit me before, until last week. The pain was so bad it was making me cry and I don’t cry easily. Pain meds were only taking the edge off. Cancer pain is a different kind of pain than any pain I’ve ever experienced. It hurts deep down inside and it is relentless. Even though the tumors in the bone are non active, they have damaged the bone and the nerves. All the tumors in the lungs cause my lungs to have a constant ache and sometimes twist and turn with cramps. A very painful sensation. So I was sad and crying a lot last week. My therapist helped me get through it along with the new medication. I’m starting to feel better again this week and the good news of the scans made me hopeful again. I was starting to give all my stuff away, lol…which my kids were like…don’t do that!
I realized that from day to day good and bad things are going to happen to us that we cannot control. For instance….last week my husband was in a minor car accident where he was rear ended. We found out yesterday that they are going to total the car cause it is not worth fixing so now we have to get a new car…the good part was…my husband was not hurt, and we will get a newer car with a lower payment. Also last week one of his employees was in a pretty bad car accident as he was turning into work. Luckily he was ok too. Then 2 nights ago we get a call that my mother in law had a stroke. She lives in AZ. Luckily it was a mild stroke and since she never goes to the doctor now they have caught all this stuff that is wrong with her..diabetes, high cholesterol, and her carotid artery is 95% occluded so she is going to need a stent. She can still talk and comprehend, and she is ok, she only lost some of her strength in her arm and leg and will be going to rehab to get that taken care of. But everything was mild and caught early. Thank God! So we just NEVER KNOW! And sometimes the bad stuff comes with a little blessing in disguise. It’s life. And that is what I was starting to be afraid of… LIFE. But I cannot live that way or I won’t have a LIFE. So that is my struggle right now. Cancer has just made life more precious to me and I don’t want anything bad to ever happen to anyone that I love and care about, but that I just cannot control. I just have to pray blessings over everyone and let God take care of it. After all worry is your imagination gone awry.
Akuna Matata~No Worries.