There are ups and downs in cancer, good days and bad days. It’s not always easy to stay positive. BUT it is a must to try to stay having a positive outlook as much as possible in order to survive. If you have negative thoughts about you dying all the time, then you are probably going to die sooner than later. But if you think positive and think about living instead of dying, then you most likely will live longer. It’s been proven again and again in patients with cancer. Those with a positive outlook live longer. Yes, just longer. Cancer always gets us in the end eventually, but those who live positively seem to live longer than what was expected. And it’s hard to do. Not going to lie. I get told quite frequently that I have a great attitude and you can hardly tell I’m sick. I try to think positive, but I do get those days that get me when I start counting down the years of my prognosis and I start to cry and have a pity party… And start thinking about the what ifs…I’m not perfect, but I try.
The bottom line is ANGER. Why did this happen to me? Why now in my early 50’s? I’ve still got a lot of good years left in me, I’m still young..etc.. But it happened, to me, now. Cancer does not discriminate.
I had chemo today. 3rd round of the infinite chemo. Until my body gets too toxic to take anymore. I am hoping that is years and years away. Then I will go to the next treatment…the 4th line of defense…I’m on my 3rd line. And the doctor says there are many lines for me still. Although this one is supposed to be a really good one. I feel fine on days 1 and 2 from all the steroids I get. I get ravenous hunger and I can’t sleep, (thus this writing at midnight). The diarrhea and nausea start, but I have meds for that. Then it hits me like a ton of bricks on day 3 where I feel like I have the flu…BADDDDD! Then I’m sick on days 4 thru 10 and start to slowly get better on days 11 thru 14. By day 15 I’m starting to come out of it and start feeling better on week 3 before I have to go get hit with chemo again. So basically I have one good week out of the month. I still feel weak and I tire easily, BUT this Shit is keeping me alive. I get scans in 3 weeks. I will have had radiation and 3 rounds of chemo so we will see if it’s all working. I am feeling better, the pain in my spine is gone. And the cough that I get from the tumor on my sternum, (yes it causes a cough) is going away. So I am thinking this Shit is working. Hoping so anyway.
I have way too much to live for and am in no hurry to leave this earth. I just watched my first biological and 9th grandchild be born and it was the most awesome thing I have ever seen and experienced. It was sooooo beautiful! Eliana Ruby. 6# 8oz, came into this world on 7-27 at 10:58 AM after a 23 hour labor. My daughter was a trooper and did sooo good! So there you go. I can’t go anywhere anytime soon. I have to see her grow up. I have to see my other two daughters bring their kids into this world too. And I know Jenny plans on having more than just one. So, too much to live for. So I must have a positive attitude more than not.
I am in heaven with that baby. She spent 5 hours in my arms this evening. I just couldn’t put her down. She is the sweetest thing ever! I changed her poopy diaper and fed her a bottle, burped her and put her back to sleep where she slept in my arms until she got hungry again. I am soooo in love. There is nothing like a grandbaby. I love her and give her back to mommy when I have to come home and get some sleep. LOL My poor daughter. She got to take a 3 hour nap while I was there though. Plus I took them some dinner that I made, so I fed her and hubby too. They are such a cute little family. And it is so awesome to see and experience my daughter with her own babygirl. I told her that now she knows and understands the kind of love that I have for her. The love of a mom is like no other and the love of a grandmother is even more so. WOW. I am so thankful and grateful. GOD IS GOOD!
There are women that I have heard of who have lived for more than 13 years with metastatic breast cancer, and I plan to beat them all! 🙂
Goodnight my friends.