Scanxiety…it’s a real thang!

Well….I got scans on Monday, saw the Doctor on Tuesday, and wept on Wednesday.

Scanxiety is for real…weeks, then days leading up to the every 3 month scans, I get real anxious. Anxious because I don’t want to hear that the cancer is spreading. And on Tuesday that is exactly what happened.

The tumors in the lungs have started growing again, the tumor on my sternum that has already been radiated last year is active again, and the tumor on my scapula shows ‘hot’. Not sure if that is from just finishing radiation or if the radiation didn’t kill it. And now… another new spot..on my spine at T 11.

So now time for a treatment change. Going back to the Radiation doctor for more radiation, and starting chemo….again, for the 3rd time. If this treatment doesn’t work then I’ll be getting biopsies of the tumors to see if the cancer has changed. I’ve been told and have also heard about breast cancer changing and going from a double positive to a triple negative and others. Thus needing a different kind of treatment. I have ER and Her2 positive. So we will see. I need lots of prayer. Please.

I can’t say that I’m not scared….scared of heading faster and faster to the end of my rope. But I’m not throwing in the towel just yet. I still have a lot of fight in me. Of all the tumors that I’ve had though, the one on my spine does cause me pain.

I wish marijuana didn’t affect me like it does or I would do edibles all day long!

They help with the pain, nausea, sleep, and my appetite! But I still have to work everyday, so needless to say I have to have a clear mind.

After the news I got drunk last night. Not like me, but last night I didn’t care. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. Just crawl in my hole and have a one person pity party. So I did. I posted a Cheers of my drink and the news on Instagram and that was the way my kids all found out. I’m sorry children, but I just couldn’t deal with it last night. Please forgive me. I know this is just as hard, if not harder for you all. I’m sorry.

But enough of the wallowing and time to get to some serious fighting. I started up Frankincense oil, supplements, and apricot seeds again. I got complacent there for a while and probably shouldn’t have. I was doing so good…then Bam, BAM! The Biotch keeps coming back…back in BLACK! (cancer is black by the way under the microscope)

I ended up working half a day today, it was all I could muster. My sister and her husband came over to cheer me up. Don’t know what I would do without my little sister. She actually took off from work to come be by my side. I love you my Sista! Muah!

Talked and told my boss…that is always a hard thing to do cause you never know how exactly to tell them whats going on with you without fear of losing your job, but I have a very understanding boss who has worked with me through all of this and is actually someone I can call a friend. She is so easy to talk to. And she is a Christian woman so she prays for me and puts me on prayer lists at her church.

I have slowly been talking to my family and hearing their concerns….and of course telling me what I should do, what I should and shouldn’t eat, what I need to do with my body, etc… they all mean well. And I listen.

Now I’m just waiting to be called by doctors to schedule my appts for the next steps. The waiting is hard, cause you want everything to start..yesterday! But you have to wait for Pre Auths from the insurance company. They are hoping to start the chemo next week.

My hair didn’t even make it to 3 inches long this time. I may or may not lose it again. I’m hoping not. The doctor says this chemo will be a more targeted chemo and will not go throughout my body and kill all my cells. It is a very strong chemo and they will put a drop into the Herceptin bag, (the Herceptin is an anti-body drug that kills or slows down the type of cancer that I have) the chemo will ride piggy back on the Herceptin protein to the cancer cell and kill the tumor. That is what is hoped anyway.

Hopefully symptoms will be mild and I won’t get very sick. We will see…I can always say no or stop all this whenever I want. But right now I am open to anything and everything.

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