This is Laura’s husband Eric and this will be the final entry to this blog I believe. Laura passed on March 28th, 2022 at 2:10am. I sat next to her and watched her take her final breath. The family held a Celebration on Life for her on April 21st, 2022.

It has taken me this long to process her life, our life together and her passing. I am still grieving her leaving and I will never be over the loss. Through all of this pain, anxiety and loss I had joy knowing that her suffering was coming to an end. That she would be in the presence of our Father in heaven. She would be around both sets of her grandparents that she missed everyday since they all had past. She would be with her earthly father James. She would not be alone there but be welcomed by a loving family that had been waiting for her. She would be wrapped in perfect love from our savior Jesus. She would be crowned as a daughter of the most high and be welcomed into Kingdom as a faithful servant. Her battle with cancer was difficult. It lasted 5 and a half years. During that time our love grew because it was that much more precious due to knowing it would end much sooner than we wanted. Life did not stop. We still worked, paid the bills and built a growing family. We took vacations and weekend trips more often. We had more family get togethers. We tried to do as much as possible for as long as possible because we knew the day would come when she wouldn’t be able to travel or enjoy visiting. That day did finally come. The last 2 weeks of her life she was surrounded by family and love. We talked to her until she couldn’t speak any longer. We held her hand and listened to music. We told stories and laughed at all the good times we had. When she became unresponsive we didn’t stop talking to her. She was still there but just couldn’t communicate. We continued to pray with her, talk to her and listen to music. For those that could be here we were able to say goodbye. I was able to hold her hand and kiss her as she left this world. I told her not to worry, or be afraid, that God was waiting for her and to go to Him. It has been several months now since she went to heaven. We all still miss her and are dealing with it in our own way. We all have shed lots and lots of tears but I have joy. It has never left me because I know where she went to. She is waiting for me and the rest of the family to join her. To return from where we all came from. Earth is just a pit stop on everyone journey. We are not of this world but from the heavens. It is from there we came from and that is where we shall return to. I know this blog has helped many who have been diagnosed with cancer. Laura shared her experiences, the good and the bad. I hope that my entry also helps those who are preparing for and have experienced the loss of a loved one. This blog will remain as a testament of Laura’s journey and her faithfulness during it. She never gave up on God and He didn’t give up on her. They did it together.

Yes, I ended up getting Covid 19 at the end of Jan and Spent the first 9 nine days of Feb in the hospital before finally being released on Oxygen which I am still on today. Having Covid was horrible! I already have compromised lungs from asthma and cancer, then add to it Covid Pneumonia AND bacterial pneumonia! It was all the love, prayers, and GOD that got me through it! Plus 3 different antibiotics!

Being isolated from everyone was no fun either. Good thing I had video calling so I could see my husband and family when we talked. And it’s nice being a nurse and knowing things cause I could tell them what I needed and wanted and they would listen to me. 🙂 I’ve been home on oxygen for over a month now and the doctor says I will probably be on oxygen for a few more months. He restarted my chemo and got scans of my whole body including the brain and everything came back good except a tiny new spot on my brain. But they are going to ZAP it and be done with it! Everything else remained stable or still shrinking.

I’ve been tied to an oxygen line here in my home for quite sometime now, that the the solitude has left me thinking a lot. Although a lot of my freedoms have been taken away slowly pre covid by cancer…a lowered immune system has had me wearing a mask and being in isolation. But now even more so. My freedom to drive is temporarily gone due to brain tumors and radiation, and now I am unable to travel without help because these portable oxygen tanks are heavy and cumbersome and they only last 2-4 hours, so you have to carry multiple tanks and guestimate the time you’ll be gone. They have been trying to get me a portable oxygen concentrator that I can carry around, it weighs about 5 pounds and you plug it in to charge. I’m not sure how long those last, but we’ll find out soon enough.

Anyway I’ve had time to think about my quality of life. Someone close to me once told me that they would rather die than live the life that I’m living and go through everything that I’ve gone through. Sure, it’s been hard, but I’ve never thought I’d rather be dead. I am glad I still get to wake up and breath air even if I need help from an oxygen tank. I know this is only temporary. I get to open my eyes and see the blue sky and sunshine. I like the feeling of being alive even if I am sick. I get to still kiss my husband everyday and feel his loving arms around me and close my eyes each night and drift off to sleep with him by my side. I love that I still get to see, touch and feel the love of all of my kids, family, and grandkids. Eliana’s running into my arms with a huge smile and squeezing those little arms around my neck is a feeling I’ll never forget.

I love talking to and being here for my kids when they need me. I love talking to my mom on the phone and hearing her laughter. I love hearing and seeing my brother and his wife when they video call me and karaoke/serenade me before I go to sleep. I love when my sister comes over and helps me plant pretty flowers in the spring and fall. I love that I have reunited with my eldest brother in Virginia. And also reunited with most of my cousins and talk on a regular basis.

So much life that I would have missed had I not fought and continue to fight. The beauty of life is priceless. It’s all the small things that matter most that we just take for granted. A sweet kiss from a loved one, a hug from a friend. The smell of coffee brewing in the morning. Eating your favorite food. So many things to list.

I could have died many times over but I believe it’s my love for life that keeps me going. I am so thankful to everyone for their prayers, good doctors and nurses, great insurance, and GOD. And to that one person who says they would rather have died, I say I would do the same thing all over again, just to be alive, sitting here writing this blog.

Love to all!!!

L.

Happy New Year!!!!

Kicking 2020 in the butt out the door and welcoming 2021 with open arms! I got chemo yesterday and the results of my scans and it looks like this cancer is hating this new chemo cause it is kicking it’s ass!!!! My tumors everywhere are continuing to shrink and nothing new is growing! I get a brain scan in a couple of weeks to see if the brain radiation is continuing to work in the brain. Fingers crossed that I get good news there too!

I’m hoping for a better year this year. 2020 was rough. I had a year of radiation and chemo that ended me up in the hospital for a week…..BUT thank GOD I survived it! Eric lost his job due to COVID lay offs, which has been a blessing in disguise for me cause he’s been here to take care of me. We’ve been living off of his unemployment and my disability and our savings, but that is slowly burning out so we are praying he gets a job soon. He looks and applies everyday, but there is not much out there right now. Fingers crossed something shows up soon!

I’ve been blessed to watch one of my grandbabies grow up and know me. She’s my little angel and so much fun! It was hard not having any family get togethers this year due to Covid. But thank GOD we haven’t lost any family members to it. My youngest daughter had it, and my brother and his wife. But they all got through it! Whew! Scary!

I’m able to eat again on this chemo, I have saliva again so I can break down foods like bread and crackers even though those two things are still somewhat hard to break down, it’s better than before. So I’ve gained some of my weight back and have been maintaining between 118-120. My doctor’s are happy. I still get fluids twice a week which has helped me stay hydrated and peppy! My hair is finally growing back in. I’ve been using DoTerra’s Root to Tip hair serum daily and this is the thickest and fastest it has come in, in the 3 times that I’ve lost my hair.

So to sum it up…my body is responding well to this chemo. I still have the usual typical chemo symptoms…nausea, vomiting, constipation, diarrhea, but the worst is the neuropathy, — changes in color, numbness, tingling, and pain in my hands and feet. That’s the worst BUT tolerable if the chemo is working.

Until next time….I pray you all are well and many blessings in the new year!

Much love, L.

Hello everyone! Just finished the second cycle of the new chemo and my body is starting to adjust to all the new meds, finally. Of course I still get fluids twice a week and do all of my pre meds as directed. It really helps to keep me from getting so sick. I think the worst two side effects are the nausea and fatigue. But I can manage. My hands and feet also are starting to get discoloration that looks like bruising, it’s not painful or anything, just looks weird. The doctor says that it’s normal, but if they get dry and start cracking then they will lower the dosage on the chemo, but until then we’ll keep the dose the same. They want to keep the dosage as high as my body will tolerate. Other than that I’ve been feeling pretty good and have been enjoying eating again. I haven’t gained any weight, but I do eat.

So we are now in the pre planning stages of downsizing our home. My long term benefits with work will end in May of 2022 and that will be a significant loss in our income so we will need to find something with cheaper rent. Our 3 options are a cheaper, smaller rental if we can find one. An apartment, or a 5th wheel RV. We are going this weekend to look at some things. I’m not excited about this change, but I know it is inevitable. 😦

I wear glasses daily now. My blood sugars and vision finally stabilized so that I could get an accurate vision prescription. I just needed slight correction for distance and correction for reading. So I got trifocals, I can’t do the progressives, tried them twice before and could never get used to them. So the trifocals also have the correction for computer distance. So, so far they are really working well for me.

This is how blessed I am….I have made it for 4 years now. I have breast cancer in all five places that breast cancer goes to..the breast, lungs, liver, bones, and brain. I have been on consistent treatment of radiation and chemo for the last 4 years, and I’m still going strong. Cancer will not get me down!

To be honest my quality of life isn’t the best, but I am still blessed to be here living and breathing. I get to still enjoy my wonderful husband, kids, grandkids, the sunshine, the rain, windy days, my fireplace and if I want a weekend trip to the beach, we go.

I now have to ride in a wheelchair if we go places that require a lot of walking because I don’t have the lung capacity to walk long distances anymore, which sucks. I also have a fancy walker in case I need it. The neuroapathy in my feet and hands has affected the way I walk and type on this computer. And being so skinny now, at barely 110 pounds, I have no fat insulation to keep me warm, so I’m always cold!!

I can’t work anymore, so I stay home and try to keep busy. The fatigue and lack of energy keep me from doing a lot of things. Retiring early was a hard pill to swallow but I have finally accepted it. I watch TV, read, write, do puzzles, diamond paint, and color in adult coloring books. But mainly I try to manage my health…eat, drink, and don’t fall down.

So no matter where this cancer spreads to or grows, I will continue to fight with conventional treatment. I’m glad I didn’t go the holistic way cause I know of a lot of folks who did and they are no longer with us. 😦 I believe I’d be gone now too had I gone that route. I get scans again in mid-Dec and am praying for good news. I would like to start the new year with no radiation needed and still doing good on this chemo.

Goodnight everyone!

L.

Hello! Yes, you read it right, I finally get a break from radiation! YYYYAAAAYYYYY!!!!

The brain MRI showed that the full brain radiation WORKED! The majority of the brain tumors either decreased in size, or remained stable! And NO new ones!!!! I was soooooo happy to know that the radiation that just about killed me was not done all in vain!

On the other hand…..the chemo I was on for the rest of my body has stopped working and the tumors in my lungs were growing and were coming together to form a big cluster that was blocking my airways. I had one in the upper left lobe and one in the right lower lobe. I could hardly breath. My lung Saturation rates were in the 80’s (oxygen time) to low 90’s. I was doing my breathing machine, (nebulizer) daily and strong cough meds. Then I was finally put on Prednisone which helped with the inflammation. My chemo was switched to a new and stronger chemo where I am on it for 2 weeks and then I get one week off. That chemo is the most toxic one. It’s an oral pill that I take 3 pills twice a day. I also take another oral pill where I take 2 pills twice a day everyday, no breaks. And last but not least I get a chemo infusion once every 3 weeks. The day I go in for the chemo infusion is the day I start the new cycle of the toxic chemo. They are all toxic, but the one I get a break from is the worst one.

The doctor was so happy that we got a lot of use out of the other chemo. Average is 7-8 months, I got about 18 months. This new chemo had good non progression rates in the chemo trials. The doctor was excited to see that after being on it for just 3-4 days, my breathing was already getting better! I started the 2nd cycle on Thursday. At first it took my body some time to get used to, it was rough. But I believe I’m starting to adjust being on it cause it’s getting more tolerable. Of course the pharmacist worked with me the first two weeks in getting to learn how to take the pre meds so I DON’T get sick. It’s a hell of a lot of medication I take daily…..but if it works…then I’ll do it!

My hair is growing back after losing it to brain radiation…..it’s stubbly and patchy.

Also, not sure if it’s from stopping the old chemo and/or the hydration from the fluids I now get 2 days a week, Butttt… I have Saliva!!!! I can eat foods again! Most foods anyways. I have about 80% saliva back. 🙂 My taste buds are still shot though.

I have a little more energy and am able to do lite chores again. Plus I have a new hobby called ‘Diamond Painting’. Look it up. It’s harder than it looks, but I’m getting the hang of it. It keeps me busy for sure and it’s so fun once you get the hang of it.

Well that’s the latest news. God bless everyone!

G’nite!

L.

Well….shortly after my last post I ended up in the hospital. (I had been so proud of the fact that it was going on 4 years since being diagnosed and I had managed to stay out of the hospital due to complications as so many people do) BUT, the radiation and chemo finally did me in. I had started vomiting, not being able to hold anything down, and was having severe uncontrollable diarrhea. The doctor had started bringing me in for IV fluids, but that ended up not being enough. I had severe dehydration which caused confusion, delusions, and hallucinations. Plus I don’t remember anything 2 weeks prior leading up to the hospital stay. Tomorrow it will be 3 weeks since I was admitted. Leading up to the admittance I had fallen and hit my head twice on the bathroom room floor which is a hard tile. The first time I had fallen off the toilet in the midst of having diarrhea and landed on the right side of my face which caused a nice black eye. My husband found me laying on the floor, unconscious, at 3:30 in the morning. He got me to come to, cleaned up me and my mess, and put me back in bed. (Bless his heart). The next day, I fell again while running to the bathroom to vomit after eating soup, I didn’t make it to the toilet and slipped on the vomit and fell backwards right on the back of my head. My husband was running behind me and tried to catch me but couldn’t. I ended up with two huge lumps on the back of my head BUT I was lucky to not have cracked my head open or anything.. (I have always been hard headed!) I still remember looking up at his face as I landed on my head and he was saying…”ohhhh noooo” It seemed so faint and far away and in slow motion. I remember feeling the large lumps on the back of my head and telling him that it was better that they were ‘out than in’. Once again He cleaned me and my mess up. The next day I started developing blisters on my left foot which would open up and literally drain puddles of pus. So, when I went in for fluids on Friday the doctor and nurses also saw that I was not myself so they advised Eric to take me into the hospital where they admitted me and did a CT on my head to make sure everything was OK. They never figured out what caused the blisters on my foot, and at one point, they thought I had a staph infection in my blood. They called in an infectious disease doctor who came and figured out that I did not have any infection, that everything was just caused from severe dehydration, so I was released on Monday. I started coming back into my head and was back to myself after tons of fluids on Saturday. My husband was soooo happy to have me back cause he said he was afraid he had lost me for good (My mentality). Of course I hardly remembered anything leading up to all of it cause my electrolytes were so low and out of whack. Apparently I had been really funny while I was ‘out of my head’ and either wanted to fight or party. My daughter took a funny video of me doing a tutorial on how to punch someone out! lol And they said I kept saying we were going to the beach and having a girls night and I kept asking where Kelly was (my friend who has always been my partner in crime). Eric said I kept cracking jokes in the ER and at one point started crying and pulling all my heart leads off cause I wanted to leave so that I could go home and use the toilet cause I didn’t want to use the portable potty chair cause it was ‘dirty’. He said once they found out why I was crying they let me use the regular bathroom then was fine. I was glad to hear that I had been ‘funny’ instead of mean or nasty! As a nurse, I had a lot of patients that when confused or delusional get really mean and nasty. I was really lucky that my husband got to be with me while in the hospital since they allow NO ONE to come see you due to all of this COVID stuff, but apparently it took a lot of haggling between my Oncologist and the hospital doctors and administration. I don’t think I would have done so well had he not been there. He stayed with me night and day.

With every passing day I am getting stronger since being released. I had chemo last Thursday so I am also recuperating from that. I am now to a point that I never thought I’d be and that is using a walker or wheelchair when we go out places and I have to walk long distances. 😦 BUT, I guess it’s better than falling. My lungs haven’t been the same either since I was hospitalized. Asthma kicked up while in the hospital and has been irritated since. All the tumors in my lungs only make matters worse. I’ve been on daily nebulizer treatments. I finally finished liver radiation on the following Wed after leaving the hospital. I get scans in two weeks and a brain MRI in a couple of months. I am soooooo PRAYING that all my scans are good so that I can finally catch a break from radiation.

Sept 8th will be my 4 year anniversary since being diagnosed with breast cancer. Even though I’ve gone through all I’ve gone through, I’d do conventional treatment all over again if it keeps me on this earth longer. I want to be here with my family and I don’t want to leave my husband. My quality of life might not be the greatest anymore, but I can still function on my own and I’m here. Still waiting for that miracle cure.

I have a Home Health nurse coming in twice a week to give me fluids and she is coming today. Kinda late, which means I’ll be up all night peeing. 😦

I didn’t think I was going to make it out of the hospital and it got me started thinking a lot about death and how much longer GOD is going to bless me with time. How will I eventually go? When? How will it feel as my soul and spirit leave my body? Will I be in the hospital alone? At home? Will my husband and family get to be around me? UGH. I hate thinking about it and I just have to change my thoughts and start praying. I know, I know, we all will eventually die. BUT it’s a little different when your mortality is actually staring you in the face.

But until then I decided to LIVE in the present. Because now, that’s all I have. In reality, That’s all we all really do have, The Present.

Until next time….

L.

Shaved my head today–for the 3rd time. This time not due to chemo but from whole brain radiation. It sucks, my husband kept asking me if I was sure….lol…I had to keep reassuring him that it was ok, I was ready. It had started falling out in handfuls and my scalp was starting to hurt, so it was time. He finally did it and I asked him to write how he felt in having to do that for me yet again, cause I could tell he was upset. I told him that this was part of the being Brave, Having Courage, and being at war with cancer….I was like a soldier coming in for a shave about to go deeper into battle. I’m STRONG, I can do this! I WILL DO THIS!!

I was dehydrated today when I went in for chemo, so they gave me a bag of fluids. And they know I’m in radiation and how sick that alone makes me so they asked if I wanted to skip this treatment. I’ve been in this situation many times and the fighter in me says lets just do it! Knowing how sick I’m going to be this weekend. So I’m due to go in for fluids on Monday. I’m just glad I have the husband that I do, and the family that I do, all who give me so much support and LOVE that it keeps me going.

I would’ve been long gone by now if it weren’t for them. So thank you again to ALL of my family near and far and all my friends….I love you all so much! Below is a short excerpt of how my husband feels about all this and having to shave my head.

Excerpt from my husband Eric:

My wife asked me to write how this has effected me and I said no. I do not want to have to put this out there. I then thought I have asked her to put her story out there and it has been uncomfortable for her to do this at times. So, here is some of my story.

First, when you hear that your wife has cancer your cut off at the knees. Your first responsibility as a man is to protect your wife/child first and foremost. How can you protect her from this? So, I have failed to protect her. Then you try to solve the problem. That is another thing we do as men. We solve problems using the skill set we have. I could not solve her cancer. I failed her here again. During chemotherapy you try to comfort her and make her feel better. Except nothing makes her feel better, nothing. So, I continue to fail her. This is what you will go through as a care giver to your wife. There is almost nothing you can do “to fix” this situation. The one thing you are suppose to do, you can’t. No matter how hard you try and work and read. You can’t fix it.

Today, I had to cut her hair off for the third time. She just finished 10 whole brain radiation treatments on Monday. Tuesday night during her shower it started to fall out. It is so painful to see her lose her hair again. All the effort she puts in to her hair and looking her best. I know it is hard for her to go through this again. This just sucks. Another thing I can not fix.

Then I realized that it is not my job to fix it. It is my job to love my wife. To make her feel loved through all the pain and fear. To reassure her that I am here and not going anywhere no matter where this path takes us. That God placed us together for a purpose and that is to love each other. In the good and the bad. No matter how bad the bad gets, you hold on to the promises you made. The promises to your wife and to God. We have been incredibly blessed with the life we have been given. Even with the cancer. She is the love of my life and no matter the life that we are given we are going to do it together until the end.

So, all of you spouses out there don’t lose faith. Understand your role and fulfill that role to the max. Hold on to the love you have. Keep your faith that God is in control in all circumstances. Love, love, love them and never take a single day for granted. — Eric

See why I’m so blessed to have the husband that I have….LOVE and SUPPORT…keep me going….

I love you more than you know my sweet man. (:>

Goodnight all. thanks for reading.

L.

I finished whole brain radiation Monday, and I start liver radiation tomorrow. And throw in chemo on Thursday. Phew! I am literally sick and tired! Add to that depression. I am depressed. I’m told to hang on, keep fighting, your strong, brave, you can do this, your a fighter, survivor, etc… But I don’t feel like any of those things. My hair is starting to fall out, hubbie is going to shave it tomorrow. This will be the third time losing it. 😦 I had a much needed session with my therapist today and she reminded me that I get depressed and hopeless everytime I get radiation and chemo at the same time cause it makes me so sick. That It will get worse before it starts to get better and that it is only temporary. Again, she told me to look for things to watch or read that make me laugh and put a picture of Eliana where I can be reminded of what I need to fight to live for. There is a lot that I need to fight to live for, but right now, that little girl is the light of my life.

Sometimes, like right now, I have to look from the outside in and look to see as to why some people see me as strong, brave, and a fighter.

To be brave happens at day one of diagnosis. All of a sudden you are looking death in the face and know that you have to put on your imaginary armour because you know that you are about to start the fight of your life in the midst of HELL.

To be strong and keep fighting means that I get out of bed when I don’t want to. I force myself to eat and drink, even though I have no appetite, and now most of the time I vomit whatever I eat. And when I sleep most of my days for several days and don’t drink or urinate, I end up getting a bladder infection and I’m on my second one this month. I feel so weak and tired ALL THE TIME but I still try to get up and go do things. See my family, run errands with my hubbie, eat what I can, and just try to be awake. What I really want to do now is give up. Crawl in bed and just sleep till I’m gone. Which I know that if I were to do that I would be gone by 3 weeks if that long. But I don’t do that because of my family–my husband who looks me in the eyes and says please don’t leave him. He says if I give up I’ll be gone soon. Then there’s my mom who tells me the same thing. Then I have all my kids and their families that I have to continue to see them grow all of their little families. So that is where I get the strength to make myself keep on going.

This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do and never did I think I would be dying of breast cancer. I just want my life back again. Where I could still do things and eat, drink and be merry!

And I consider myself a Survivor because I’m still alive. On Sept 8th it will be 4 years that I have been fighting this cancer. And everyday has been a fight!

I need prayers for comfort and peace, the will and strength to keep on going.

Going to bed now. G’nite and sweet dreams!

L.

Delusions and confusion have started yesterday. Never experienced either one before, but they are scary! Yesterday after getting home from radiation, my daughter and I were sitting on my bed eating and watching TV. Apparently I fell asleep eating a bowl of water melon and my husband came home and my daughter left, my husband took the bowl away from me and covered me up and just let me sleep. Well….I woke up, it was dark and he was in our bathroom getting ready for bed. Thing is, when I woke up, I didn’t know who I was, where I was, or who was in that room next to me moving around! I was in a HOT panick! I didn’t know which house I was in, or which husband I was married to. I swear I heard my baby (Katy) crying and the other two girls, Chelsie and Jenny were running and playing around..plus there was a thunderstorm outside,(which there wasn’t)! I layed there for a bit trying to catch my bearings. Then Eric came out of the bathroom and he said I looked at him like a deer caught in the headlights! He said I kept asking about which house we were in, and where was the baby.

He saw the terrified look on my face so he came and sat next to me, held me, rubbed my head and started reorienting me to everything. I was afraid for either of us to go to sleep, I didn’t want to leave each other. Then this morning when I woke up and he came to kiss me good morning, again he said I was startled and didn’t know who he was. It slowly came back to me. But then after he’d got dressed and was actually leaving for work he said I had the covers pulled up to my chin and kept looking at him like he was a stranger, but I slowly came to and gave him a hug, Dang! This is some scary shit I’m going through! When I got up this morning, it took me a bit, but I got it together. But my head and eyes felt so darn heavy! I could hardly keep them open!

Talked to the doctor about it today and he said that sometimes this will happen as the radiation accumulates in the brain from so many treatments, he said they are going to just watch it for now and if needed he’ll put me on a steroid that fights the inflammation around the area that stores your memories. He also gave me a med to start today that will help with my cognitive abilities. So hopefully I’ll see some improvement in that area. All I know, is that right now I don’t feel my self and my head constantly feels like a big bowling bowl, so heavy on my head!

I have 2 more brain radiations to do and hope it doesn’t keep getting worse, and I sure hope it gets better! Then we are going straight into liver radiation, 5 treatments of those. Mannn I’m about radiated out! But the alternative is not something I would like to try either. So guess I’m stuck.

Well, it’s about time to go to sleep — I have been having weird dreams but not scary. It’s just the waking up and the disorientation and confusion that now comes with it that sucks. I guess this journey has a lot of nice twists and turns that I have to experience. Go ahead and keep bringing this cancer on you Devil…God is on my side and he is keeping me strong through this fight and either way, I WIN!!

Goodnight everyone, sweet dreams!

L.

Today was my 6th treatment, four to go, then I go straight into liver radiation which will be 5 treatments every other day. Then I’ll be done until the next scans. I’m still hanging in there with all these symptoms, I got a new one…sores in my mouth. The inside of my mouth is raw and doesn’t so much hurt when I eat, but when I brush my teeth. I get confused and disoriented a lot, but that’s expected I guess. I feel like I’m slowly losing my brain function, thus the writing of another blog….trying to keep this old brain working! I’m glad I went to the beach especially with my family, precious memories made. Between Eric and I we have 7 kids and all but 2 have families, but everyone is scattered around the whole US so it would be hard to get us altogether..but that would be TOTALLY AWESOME if we could ALL get together for a family vacation! I would LOVE to see everyone again before I die and love on and hug all those sweet grand-babies!!! I guess I just feel it’s getting closer because of the tumors in the brain and how fast they are spreading. Once I lose my brain function my body will be no good. I’m afraid I may not know what a beach is pretty soon, or have the ability to drive myself anywhere. I’ve given instructions to my husband to close out this blog and my social media. And I’m glad my daughters are helping out with rides cause we get to spend time together and have some good and important chats. I don’t know how much longer I’ll recognize them or be able to have these talks. So girls…or family members/friends…better tell me what you got to say to me now or forever hold your peace. Because I don’t know how much longer I’ll be maintaining brain function!

Yeah losing my brain functions suck. I’m slowly losing vocabulary, English, cognitive, and comprehension, typing, math skills, balance, memory, etc…. I can still do things that are habitual though. Like getting ready for bed, getting up, making coffee, take all my meds, I have them in a weekly pill holder so I can remember if I took them or not. One thing that sucks is that I’m not trusted to watch my grandbaby Eliana all by myself anymore. Someone has to be here with me. 😦

And I finally gave up my nursing career in May and decided to go on full disability. I cried when I had to send all my equipment back. It was a chapter in my life that I was closing the door to. I’m STILL gonna keep my Texas license active, but the other ones I’m letting expire. I’m still praying for a cancer curing miracle to come around and save me. Since I have so much fatigue, I guess I have all the time needed if my body says it needs sleep.

I pray I keep most of my brain to see my youngest graduate, which is another year and a half. I know there are many milestones I would like to be here and see…but that one is for sure!

Well this writing has helped. Thanks for reading. I’m getting tired so guess I’ll go to sleep. Goodnight everyone. Sweet dreams! 🙂

L.