A Quick Update

Hello..popped on here to give a quick update. Finished brain radiation last Thursday and have been sleeping pretty much ever since! Ughhh THE FATIGUE sucks! I go in tomorrow for the ‘dry run’ of the liver radiation…that’s where they do a practice run without the actual radiation. Then I start the real thing on Monday…5 sessions for about 45 minutes a session which will go over 2 weeks. This time they put this black weighted piece of plastic from my neck to my knees…then they suck all the air out of it and it shrinks around my body and torso till I can’t stand it, so that I don’t move and my breathing is minimal. Once again TORTURE!!!! And yes, I’ll be taking Lorazapam for anxiety, but that will also help with the nausea and vomiting they tell me that it will cause. I have a driver for tomorrow, but I guess I’ll have to line more drivers over the next 2 weeks. I forgot how sick they told me that I’m going to get and the nausea and anti anxiety meds make me really sleepy. The brain radiation caused a lot of severe fatigue and memory loss. I feel like my memory is slowly getting worse and worse. I go for chemo next Thursday too, this ol body just can’t catch a break!

I’m still planning on staying quarantined from the public even though here in Texas they are slowly going to start opening up certain businesses again. It will probably be awhile before I trust to go out anywhere. I hope everyone stays safe and doesn’t rush going back out in public either. Take vitamins and immune boosters!

Love ya’ll! Goodnight!

L.

Feeling Green

I have been feeling the effects of chemo and radiation…major fatigue, major memory loss, diarrhea, stomach aches, and the worst…nausea and vomiting. I have 4 different medications for nausea and vomiting, plus CBD oil, and none of it is doing these symptoms justice. For those of you who think I’m so strong…if you could only see me now…how it really is. If it wasn’t for the slew of medications I take for the symptoms, I’d be in the hospital on IV’s. But cancer treatments and medications have come a long way so now you can suffer in quiet in the privacy of your own home.

I have two more rounds of brain radiation this week then I’ll start radiation to the liver. The main symptoms that liver radiation will cause is nausea/vomiting. GRRREATTT!!! This just keeps getting better and better!

I guess ya’ll are all wondering why I’m on here writing if I feel so darn bad. Well..cause it’s not ME who writes these. It’s GOD writing through me. I pray before I write every time. Sometimes the words and messages come right away, sometimes it takes a few days. This message has been stewing for a couple of days and here it finally is. God uses me to speak words to those that need to hear them. I never know who I’m writing for, I’m just being obedient to my King. And yes, part of my writing is for people to understand what cancer is like.

Tonight I watched one of my favorite movies with a great message…I Can Only Imagine by Mercy Me. I Can Only Imagine is also one of the greatest songs ever written. If you haven’t already, I recommend you listen to it and also watch the movie. The movie is about Forgiveness. One of the greatest powers that God gave his people. The Power to Forgive. He also gave us the choice to use that power or not. But in doing so, it brings freedom to our souls. Freedom from anger, hatred, bitterness, pain and hurt. It replaces those things with love and light from GOD. You feel so much lighter and at ease…like you can breath in fresh air.

A lot of people think they need an apology first, and then to be asked for forgiveness. Nope. Forgiveness is not complicated. Forgiveness is not for anyone but yourself and YOUR spirit and soul. Of course we must always ask The Father for forgiveness for the sins we’ve done here on earth. But to forgive others whom we feel have done us wrong is something you can do on your own, they don’t ever need to know it unless you want them too. You just simply decide that your not going to let that person have a strong hold over you that keeps you feeling hatred and hurt anymore…(do you think it bothers them? They most likely don’t even know how you feel. And I guarantee they go about their daily lives not thinking about what is eating you up day to day) So you just have to decide one day that your going to let all that go and your going to truly forgive them from the bottom of your heart and soul without them even knowing…just free yourself and let it go for real…finally and for good. with NO expectations in return. THAT is the Power that GOD gave you to be able to live healthier and happier on this earth. Live freely with no hurt and pain in your heart and soul. Learn your God given gift of the Power of Forgiveness. And USE it!

I think writing this took my mind off of the symptoms while the medications kicked in cause I’m feeling a little better. 🙂

Going to try and get some sleep now. Goodnight all! Much Love!!

L.

It’s gonna be a longgg month of treatment.

My scan results came in this week. News was good and bad. Good news is the tumors on the bones are not showing any growth and there are no new spots on my bones. The ones in my lungs kind of equal out cause some have grown by a mm and some have shrunk by a mm and there are no new growths. There are 2 new spots in my liver so they are going to radiate those once they are done with the brain. I started brain radiation on Wed, they radiate one tumor at a time. Yesterday I had 2 done back to back so I had to lay on the table with that darn mask on for about 2 hours. SUCKED! The last 3 should be about an hour. UGH. I get the mapping with the CT’s and molds done for my liver on Monday after brain radiation. The CT on my lungs showed on Monday that the pneumonia has cleared up. Which I am very happy about!

My husband has started to slowly quarantine himself in the house. I guess someone that he works with, the babysitter of his kids has tested positive for the COVID-19. He has no direct contact with her and Eric has no direct contact with him. But still we are being careful. We are trying to decide as to how we are going to isolate each other from one another if one of us gets sick. I can’t very well go stay with anyone, cause none of us who goes out into public really knows if we have been exposed or not. I’m just going to have to pray really hard that I am protected from it, and if I do get it, that I will make it through it. Funny how I haven’t given much thought to the results of these scans, my main worry right now is the COVID-19!!

At least with the Cancer I feel like I have more time due to all the new treatments. But the COVID-19 is like a dark monster just waiting around the corner to jump out and devour me! I just hate how I’m hearing how it attacks your lungs. And I had chemo today, so my immune system is getting ready to go way down. Not to mention having the radiation at the same time. But all I can do, all any of us can do, is put it into Gods hands and pray for the best. I pray for all of my family and friends, especially those who are older or have compromised lungs or immune systems. And I pray that the young and strong fight this as best they can and get through it to carry on life. This Pandemic is horrific and beyond anything that any one of us could have imagined. But in an eerie way, as the world has seemed to come to a screeching halt, I’m seeing that a lot of the HATRED that we’ve had for one another for reasons unknown, other than we Hate each other for our differences. All that, for the most part, has come to a stop. And even though there are still some thieves and murderes out there, most people are coming together, showing kindness, and helping one another. Something that this world has been lacking. Maybe this is GODS way to slow us all down, to STOP, and smell the roses, to notice our neighbors. To realize how much we actually miss being around each other. Many of us are thankful to have social media just so that we can see each other and talk.

So forgive, if there is someone that you need to forgive. Call those that you haven’t spoken to for a awhile but have been wanting to call them. Tell those loved ones that you love them.

I know your probably thinking you won’t catch the COVID and it’s unfathomable that your loved one will to….BUT IT ONLY TAKES ONE LITTLE DROPLET FROM THE WRONG PERSON….AND YOU CAN BE DEAD IN DAYS. THIS IS NO JOKE. LOVE NOW, AND LOVE HARD. IT COULD BE YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE.

Prayers, Love and Kindess to all,

L.

Quarantined

Hello. Hope everyone is staying at home and safe out there. Not anything different for me and many cancer patients on treatment. We always have to be pretty much quarantined to avoid any sick people since our immune system is low. Now everyone knows how it feels for us to not be able to go anywhere, and if you do, you have to wear a mask…even though I used to not do that, but now I do for sure. I get scans tomorrow and the results on Tuesday, but right now I think I’m more afraid of getting COVID-19 than my scan results. I’m just getting over pneumonia that I got from having a simple cold, much less getting a virus that attacks your respiratory system. I don’t think my lungs are strong enough to fight a virus like that. I’m pretty stuck at home for real now and not being around people, especially those that have any symptoms. My husband is still working which I’m thankful, but at the same time I PRAY he doesn’t catch the virus and bring it home. He would most likely survive if he got it, but I don’t think I would.

I know I don’t write much anymore. There is only so much a person with cancer can write about their journey with cancer. It gets repetitive cause it’s always the same…. Get scans, get results, then get treatment. And your always sick. And like I said before, you don’t really get to go anywhere anymore without being afraid of catching some virus.

The brain radiation I was supposed to get to kill the 6 new tumors was put on hold as was the chemo treatment until I got better and have no symptoms. So I guess I’ll be resuming treatment this week now that I’m all better. I’ve been on strong antibiotics and was treated at home instead of being put in the hospital, the doctor didn’t want to admit me with all the COVID-19 business. I have a nebulizer here at home that I’ve had to use to open my airways, and I have finally quit coughing up blood, that lasted for 4 days. The congestion I had in my nose and lungs is finally gone, and I’m feeling much better. I’m glad I wasn’t admitted into the hospital. I hate being in there.

So now, like everyone else, I’m just waiting for this COVID-19 to pass so that we can all get back to normal. I miss going to the park, movies, and out to eat. Spending time with family and friends…etc.

I miss having game night with all my kids, and I miss the one grand-baby that we have here close. Shes’ growing so fast and learning new things and I’m missing it. 😦 But my kids are afraid to come over with her just in case they have the COVID-19 and don’t know it. Here in Bastrop county we are not on shelter lock down like other counties around us, but everything is closed, even the parks.

I’m really glad as a nurse that I’m not working in a hospital right now. I have 2 daughter-in-laws that do. One works the NICU (Neonatal Intensive Care Unit) and the other works in ICU. They have said how they don’t have PPE (personal protective equipment) and one of my daughter-in-laws has had to buy her own. One of my nurse friends said she received a letter from the governor of New York asking if she could go up there and work, which she said she did not respond to. I haven’t received such a letter, but I couldn’t go even if I wanted to, which I wouldn’t. I wouldn’t want to go to New York even if there was no COVID-19 going on. It’s way too crowded for my taste. I prefer the quietness of country settings rather than big cities.

Well that’s about all I have for now. I’ll give an update once I get my scan results next week.

Ciao for now.

L.

Good news and bad news

Got the results of the brain MRI today. There was good news and bad news. A note to Chelsie, Jenny, and Katy…Please don’t freak out when you read this. Everything is going to be ok. Chelsie…please don’t dwell on this and please don’t let it ruin your trip. I want you to enjoy and have the best time ever. I will be ok and I’ll still be here when you get back. I promise.

The good news is… the radiation has killed the 4 brain tumors that I had. The biggest one being 6mm is still dying by the radiation. The doctor said the results were better than he expected.

The bad news is… there are 6 new spots in my brain. Once again, they were caught really early–the biggest one is only 3mm. VERY TINY. They are going to do the targeted radiation again to kill those 6 tumors. And the doctor is expecting good results with the treatment. Bad thing is that I have to go in for mapping and the making of a new mask. :/ I dread having to wear the mask again.

This news was really hard for me to process. The doctor told me the good news first…then he dropped the bomb..after I heard that, everything thereafter was a blur. Eric was with me though for support. He always goes to the results appointments with me. Which I’m glad, cause I cried all the way home. I just wanted to SCREAM! I was so angry. I just couldn’t believe the news. I’ve been thinking so positive in hopes of bringing the positive to me….but it didn’t work. Eric says I should go in expecting to hear the worst so I’m not so let down when I get bad news, and good news will be really good news.

Whenever I get bad news I don’t want to talk to anyone. I revert into myself and I just want to be left alone to be able to process the news. That’s why my beautiful girls, I don’t call and tell each one of you right away…cause I need time to process. After you read this if you need to, or want to talk, that’s ok. I can talk now.

How am I feeling?? Well…I still can’t believe I have 6 new tumors in my brain. But I am starting to accept the fact that I do, and treatment is inevitable. I wish there was a chemo that crossed the blood-brain barrier so that chemo would not only kill new tumors, but prevent them as well. But unfortunately there’s not. So I just have to keep on doing radiation as they come. I’m also sad. I feel like this cancer is slowly sucking the life out of me. I’m constantly fatigued from the chemo and radiation along with the chemo only makes it worse. So mostly my life now consists of sleep. I’m glad I’m on anti-depressants and I talk to a therapist weekly, plus I have my faith and belief in God, all of which help get me through this Hell. And most of all…the love and support of family….my reason to keep on fighting.

I wish I had more positive things to say here..but there is nothing really positive about cancer and it’s journey.

Until next time…

Catching Up

Hello! I know it’s been over a month since I’ve written, and people are asking why I haven’t been blogging…there is no particular reason other than I just haven’t felt much like writing. A lot has happened during the last month though…I’ve had chemo flu over the last two cycles, (I’m having it now), I got sick for a week with a really bad cold, which flared up my asthma really bad, then I fell down the front steps taking my puppy out, twisted both ankles and caught myself with my hands, which in turn hurt both of my wrists. But everything got better within a few days except for my right ankle. Went to the ER and turns out I sprained it pretty bad, tore some tendons, but luckily didn’t break anything. So I have been on crutches over the last month. My ankle is slowly starting to get better, but I still can’t put full pressure on my foot especially the heel area. So I have been pretty much home bound with my ankle elevated for the last month. I couldn’t drive anywhere because it was my right ankle. I just started driving this past Monday, I had a doctor appointment in Austin.

Also I did go back to the eye doctor and got re-examined, got a new set of glasses, they worked for awhile, and once again, they stopped working for me. I called my brain radiation doctor and asked if my vision changes could be from the radiation or the tumors, cause these vision changes didn’t start until after the radiation, so he said he can tell me more after the MRI, which I did yesterday, and I see the doctor for the results tomorrow. I sure hope everything is OK with my brain. But this vision fluctuation needs to stop, cause I can’t keep going to eye doctor and getting new glasses. I sure hope we can figure out what is causing this.

My eldest daughter Chelsie is on her way to India right now to attend a yoga retreat for a month. I’m nervous and excited for her all at the same time since she is traveling solo. But that girl LOVES to travel and has no fear. I can’t wait to hear all the stories when she gets back. We had a family dinner this past weekend so everyone could see her before she left, and we will have another one when she gets back. She may not be able to text or call us once she is there, but she may be able to email. We will see. The place she is going to is in northern India at the bottom of the Himalayas. Should be a beautiful place.

Well that’s all for now…I’ll get on here real quick tomorrow to give the results of the brain MRI. 🙂

Feeling good!

I don’t have any new news to share tonight but I just feel like writing. I have had such a bright wonderful day today despite the rainy dreary day it has been all day. My spirits are high right now. I still have my brain scan to do at the end of Feb, but I’m feeling pretty confident that will be clear too. But for now, there is no radiation scheduled for the next 3 months. Yayyyyy!!!! I have had so much radiation I’m surprised I don’t glow in the dark! I’m not taking my good news for granted by any means because I know things can change at the next scan, but for now…I’m going to dwell in this moment. 🙂 I still have chemo every three weeks, but I’m used to that now. My next set of body scans will be in another 3 months. That would be awesome if those are clear too! I know that I will never go into remission, but I can go into what is called NED which means No Evidence of Disease. That means that none of the tumors are showing active. I know that can happen to women with MBC cause I’ve heard of some women with MBC that have gotten to that point. Unfortunately even at that stage, chemo still continues every 3 weeks. Why? Because doctors are afraid if they stop the chemo the cancer will start up again. So no matter what, I will be doing chemo every 3 weeks for the rest of my life. And radiation as needed.

I had my eyes checked in Oct before the brain radiation and the glasses that I got do not work anymore already. So my Oncologist sent a note to my eye doctor and after talking to him too yesterday he decided he is going to redo my exam at no cost. I believe the brain radiation, not to mention all the chemo, has had an adverse effect on my vision. I am using my reading glasses to see far, and now the reading glasses are not strong enough to see close. :/ I must need some really stronger lenses now. I really cannot see at night anymore, so I have not been able to drive. I’m usually the night driver because my husband falls asleep driving after 8 PM especially if he has a full stomach. So until I get my eyes fixed we cannot go out late at night.

I didn’t try that new eating pill today. Just in case I do feel any side effects I want to take it when I’ll be home and not have to go anywhere or do anything important. Tomorrow my new puppy goes for shots and to get chipped, then Friday I go get my eyes checked. Both of those appts are in the morning so I may be able to take it in the afternoon. My doctor wants me to take it twice a day, in the morning and in the early afternoon. So we will see how it really works!

I have a room in front of the house that has a lot of clutter that I am going to clean out and make it a craft room where I can do my puzzles and any other kind of crafts I start getting into. I’m also going to start going to movies during the day. Movies that my husband doesn’t really care to see. We have a theater less than 10 minutes away and they have matinees all day during the day. I’m trying to think of things to keep me busy during the day so I’m not so bored. Too bad it’s not summertime, I could go to the YMCA swimming pool that is up the street at the Bastrop Park. I love to swim.

I’m hoping for a better year this year and so far it has started out as one. I know I am somewhat sickly during the 3 week cycle between chemos, but at least without radiation I am not as bad. And THAT is what I’m looking forward to over the next 3 months at least. 🙂 Baby steps to healing.

I’ve been trying to think if there is anything that I have done different during these last 3 months to get such good scan results… I am on leave from work which has cut away the stress, I’ve been really sick and not eating which makes me do unintentional intermittent fasts which makes your cells eat up all the bad cells, and I have eaten more fruit roll ups, gummies, and rice krispy bars laced with THC. We all know THC works to kill cancer! And of course pray and keep the faith for healing. So I guess I will try to keep all these things going over the next 3 months and see what happens at the next scan. 🙂

Thanks for reading! Goodnight! 🙂